Tag Archives: bitter

Smug people in relationships, you’ll probably like this…

Interesting take from the perception of Tracy McMillan. You can  follow her on Twitter.

Why you’re not married

You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I’ve been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated — traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.

1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

2. You’re Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You’re a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don’t tell him that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son.

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What do you call the Grinch of Valentine’s Day? Spinch? (Cross between a spinster and a Grinch?) No, not cool?! Never mind…

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not a complete anti-Valentine’s Day ogre, I have had many loved up Valentine’s Day dates that have been just… lovely! Don’t you think though that forced fun is just nauseating? I get the concept, it’s a great way to show the one you love that you care, blah blah blah. How about we try this for a concept, it shouldn’t just be on one day a year that this happens because a well-known card company can cash in on GFs guilt trips and un-spontaneous other halves.

Us girls like to be surprised and wooed – it’s a long time since I’ve been wooed let me tell ya! The past four Valentine’s Days I’ve spent with the girls, hiring a fun fest film, cooking an amazing dinner and putting the world to right. Honestly – the best Valentines Day’s ever!

For those of you that are loved up however (how about you get a room so you can show each other how much you care, rather than parading it in front of the rest of the human race?) Just kidding of course…

I had a particularly sickening dinner with my family last week, my mum has arrived in Sydney after not seeing her for 12 months. We went for dinner at The Spot in Randwick, a cool place with a number of fantastic restaurants. We headed to Chao Praya, a lovely BYO Thai restaurant (not make sure you let the chef know how spicy you like your dishes, they can go slightly overboard on the chilli front if you’re not careful!). There was a couple sat next to us eating their dinner whilst holding hands and eating with one hand, I mean COME ON! That’s just silly!

So this Valentine’s Day I will again stick with tradition and have a great girly night in with my bessies, we will be making sure we have the best of the best chocolate. (FYI the chocolate over here SUCKS compared to chocolate in the UK – they put a substance in it to stop it melting at room temperature, which results in a not nice consistency! I miss Galaxy!!) SO with this in mind, when you do find a good chocolate, you tend to stick with it and buy it by the shed load! Ha!

I’m impartial to the odd Cherry Ripe – big fan! They’re my main chocolaty downfall I tell ya! Kind of a cross between a Bounty and a Raspberry Ripple, if you can imagine such a thing, yum!

However, I recently received some AMAZING chocolates from one of my friends to sample, I have to say, the crown for the ‘Top Aussie Chocolate’ is under stiff competition. I had the immense pleasure of sampling the  GUYLIAN Belgian Chocolate Sea Shells, each filled with a delicious, roasted hazelnut praliné made to the original signature recipe. Unbelievable, they literally melt in your mouth!

If you’re in a  relationship and go for all that mushy, gushy stuff, Guylian’s ‘I love you’ gift box is the perfect gift. They show that you care and then you can munch them all yourself! It’s the thought that counts right?!

 They’re made from West African cocoa beans apparently and are 100% cocoa butter (with no vegetable fats – great not a big fan of fats are we now??).

 Whether it be a little treat for yourself other half, a delightful after dinner chocolate or something delicious to share with friends (actually scrap that I don’t do sharing of the food type variety) when entertaining, Guylian products suit every occasion.

 Guylian offer the following core products throughout Coles, Woolworths and other selected retailers across Australia.

  • Guylian Sea Shells 65g, RRP $3.59
  • Guylian Les Exclusives 315g, RRP $18.29
  • Guylian La Trufflina 90g, RRP $7.99
  • Guylian Sea Shells 250g, RRP $13.99

 

The ‘I Love You’ 100g gift box is stocked nationally in Woolworths with an RRP of $7.99.

 Guylian supports the Project Seahorse charity with every box of Guylian Sea Shells purchased across Australia and the globe. Project Seahorse is an organisation dedicated to preserving seahorses (who doesn’t’love seahorses ey?! Do your bit and reward yourself with a chocolaty treat!) and other marine life worldwide. For further information, visit www.projectseahorse.org.

 However if you are loved up this St Valentine’s Day and you want to woo your senor, I can highly recommend Sydney tapas hot spot Argyle Bazar. Famed chef Miguel Maestre (interview with Miguel to follow, I heart that name FYI!) and his team have designed a set menu to fire hearts and fuel romance – Spanish style!

If you’re a fan of booze and Spain, they have really hit the nail on the head as the dining experience will begin with a ‘Lover’s Sangria’ on arrival, followed by yummy tapas dishes to share and finally Miguel’s endorphin-releasing ‘Trilogy of Chocolate Mousse’.

 St Valentine’s set menu $75 pp

Glass of Lovers Sangria on arrival
3 tapas dishes
“Triology of Chocolate Mousse”

(Belgium White Chocolate Mousse with toasted Cardamon, Milk Chocolate Mousse with Goji Berr and Valhrona Dark Chocolate Mousse with Black Cumin)

In case there’s more than one Valentine to woo (you know my thoughts on playing the field people!!)… Dine at Argyle Bazar between Wednesday 9th and Sunday 13th February and receive a complimentary ‘Lover’s Sangria’.

 More info: Argyle Bazar, 18 Argyle St, The Rocks, NSW

Reservations: (02) 9247 5500 or reservations@argylebazar.com

www.argylebazar.com

A final note:

Me bitter, no you have me misunderstood - I'm funny ha ha...