GUEST POST** To go back or not to go back?

The inevitable question. You’re finally in a great relationship, hit a few speed bumps and then out of nowhere, you’re blind sighted and it’s all over. He pulls the plug. No conversation, no notice it’s just done.

So you do the best you can to move on. Throw in some half drunken texts about how he misses you and that’s about the extent of the effort from his end.


Then comes the day that you knew would happen. You even told him at the time of said break up it would happen. Yes, he comes crawling back. For most women out there, I’m sure this has regularly occurred for you too. That radar comes on ‘oh she is happy and going along ok, let’s come in and disrupt her progress.’

The text message comes in out of the blue:


Hi, I was wondering if after work tonight you would like to catch up for coffee or a drink?


Holding on to that hard ass attitude you required to save face during the break up, the text back is cold but with a miniscule bit of interest. Damn that tiny part! But to be mature and move on from the situation, maybe you say ok.


After rocking up late and making him wait, you feel like you’re in control. Then out comes a two page letter accompanied by a glass of wine. Are you supposed to swoon over the nice things said in the letter? Do you say too little too late? Or use more abusive words? Oh and another note, always, always make it coffee not wine!


Say you were friends before and you agree to just go back down that path to help you move on. This slowly turns into hanging out more and more and then…… you guessed it you’ve gone right back there.


Always one of those girls who is strong and hates others who do this, why is it always so easy to happen to you?


Once you’ve decided you’re going back, it’s important to let go of what happened. You know you can’t be throwing that in his face it just won’t work. But how do you work out that fine line of just how much effort you should be putting in compared to him. Is it really always 50/50?


My very wise mother who has been married to my father for 32 years tells me it’s not always 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20 pending on who did what wrong. And sometimes the other person needs to put in more effort. At the end of the day, if you’re the one who made the mistake and you say you’ll do anything to give things another go, a woman needs to see this ongoing effort (note, ongoing means longer than a couple of weeks).


What do you do when you hit conflict the second time? When you hit a road block and you work out as a couple you have trouble getting through times of conflict. Is it fair to think, it was a mistake agreeing to start things up again? Is it an asset that you can see the other person making immense effort in areas where they bailed before?


Dating is hard enough as everyone seems to manage their own lives and have little knowledge on how to give and take. It’s difficult to meet someone you click with, so when you do how much do you stick in there through the tough times when it didn’t work before?


I believe at the end of the day, it’s always up to the individual. It’s important for friends and family not to judge, just to be there and support the relationship if it works and if it doesn’t. Sometimes maybe you just have to throw the rules out the window. We’re in 2012, I think the rules are, there are no rules anymore. As a couple you can only do what works for you.


Simply Black and White


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