We’re all too familiar with the history of a certain boy called Paul, he’s been in and out of the picture for the past year. I’ve recently had a revelation with regards to this specimen and it might be for the best.
I realised whilst in the UK that I have let certain men in my life have it waaaaaaay too easy, and this my friends is going to stop!
All too often my friends and I sit around debating what guys are thinking, what their motivations are and assuming what they hope to get out of the ‘relationship’.
Hands up if you’ve heard (or said) any of these statements before:
“He’s obviously a commitment-phobe and you got too close so he’s backed off”
“It doesn’t matter how soon you sleep with them, what will be will be”
“If he texts you need to wait a few days in the beginning, you know keep him on his toes”
“He obviously isn’t mature enough for an adult relationship”
“Guys like the chase, you can’t be too available”
“He’s just a man-whore, stay clear!”
Etc etc. I am one of the guilty ones, well no sh1t Sherlock, I’m the one that write a blog about dating, ha. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to kid myself that I won’t analyse in the future, or not listen to my friend’s advice. I guess I’m just saying I’m going to be a little more logical about these things and accept the obvious, i.e.
If he doesn’t call or text after meeting me, first date, second date etc he probably isn’t that keen. It isn’t an invitation for me to send a number of ‘aloof’ text messages, that quite frankly might as well just end up saying p.s. I love you!
We don’t need to analyse why. A. I might not be his type. B. He may have met someone else. C. I came on too strong, yes, it has been known, shocking I know hey 😉 D. He’s not over is ex… Etc, etc E. I spent the night too soon.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there could be 101 reasons as to why they haven’t been in touch. A point that I have struggled with in the past is: You cannot be everyone’s type!
Now by saying this, don’t assume that I think I’m a goddess and can’t imagine how anyone would not want to walk on hot coals to be with me, far from it in fact! What I am trying to say is that, how many times have you met a guy and he’s lovely, cute, intelligent and/ or funny but there just isn’t a spark? EXACTLY. Sometimes you’re just not what he’s looking for, so why spend hours/ days/ months trying to figure out what went wrong, or what the hell is wrong with you.
When I think about all the debating I’ve done with myself, advise I’ve listened to off friends when I could’ve saved a lot of time and just dealt with it and moved on!
So I guess I’ve realised also, if you make things too easy for a guy, why the hell would he try to put in more effort. Let’s take a while to go back to the case in point: Paul.
I met him in October 2010, spent the first night with him. From then onwards he would phone/ text me on Saturday nights about 10pm, sometimes I’d go to meet him, sometimes I’d decide I didn’t want to – convincing myself it was on my terms. Often in the week I would text him in the hope that it would transcend into a date, it never did, he’s either not reply or be quite blunt in his answers. Oh he did ask me out on dates, but completely dropped me the day before, or even sometimes an hour before the said was due to begin with some lame excuse – tiredness was his personal fave!
He’d go off the radar for months and then I’d get a random text out of the blue and then we’d catch up with him again on the weekend – you get the cycle.
This continued until he got in touch five weeks ago asking if he could take me on the date he owed me, this was on the Friday and he asked to take me out that Sunday. I agreed and asked him what time. I didn’t hear. So on Sunday I went out with another guy. He decided to call me at 6pm… Funny he should expect I would be waiting around for him, I wonder why he thought that – *insert sarcastic tone*
A week later he called me on the Friday when I was out and said he wanted to see me, you can get a recap of the resulting events here and here (he’s called Chris in this article as I change all the names on my blog).
So back to my trip back home, I landed in Manchester to a text from him wishing me a safe journey and he said he’d see me in two weeks, I was chuffed, but wasn’t holding my breath.
I had an amazing time in Spain and drunkenly one night decided to call him, as you do! He has said that he was going to add me on Facebook before I left, but surprise, surprise, he didn’t you see and I was on a UK number with no access to my Aussie number, all excuses! To say he was surprised to hear from me is putting it mildly, but he did seem genuinely pleased, he advised that he would call me when he landed in two weeks time…
Shock horror I didn’t hear a peep! Show of hands who’s surprised… didn’t think so!
Lesson learned, I will not put myself in that position again. If a guy only sees me as the girl he hooks up with, and I quite obviously see him as more, I ain’t going to go there.
Isn’t it funny how we convince ourselves (I hope you don’t mind me speaking as the collective here, it’s just too much of a depressing thought to think that I’m the only one who does this, so I’m bringing you all down with me, ha!) that we only want a casual fling too, we’re happy with the situation and don’t want anything more.
I just don’t believe that we’re programmed that way, that is unless you really aren’t that into them, when in that case – remind yourself as to why you are hooking up with them in the first, are you that desperate?! – Yup I’ve been there too before you think I’m preaching too you!
Change is in the air my friends and I have to say it is quite an exciting prospect 🙂